Versus narcissism and incompetence
My narcissistic mother told me I don’t have ADHD it’s normal not to listen to other people when they’re talking. It was one of many things she dismissed as normal because she was the same.
Initially she was doing just that – I’d suggested it was another reason I had ADHD because I couldn’t listen and stay focussed even when I wanted to – whether someone else was talking in a one on one setting or I was undertaking training at work. Or in my school days. She said “but I’m like that too, I don’t listen to a word what others are saying I’m just waiting for my turn to talk”.
I thought I resonated.
But.
The difference was. I wanted to listen, i wasnt just self absorbed.
This was one response to one piece of evidence id adhd id presented to her. She didn’t believe it, at least she wouldnt acknowledge it. Wouldn’t validate me. Until she decided to. And what i now see – was that my experiences were becoming hers and what she used to disprove my experience became the foundation for her own self-diagnosis shaping her own story, a diagnosis she later gained.
She decided to confirm my pre diagnosis after catching a glimpse of an interview on morning television. And, suddenly it was discovered….. by her. ADHD was now acknowledged as blame for every difficult I’d had, from ocd, anxiety to bulimia. I clung to what felt like her support. I thought my life was about to begin as many do once the adhd penny drops.
At the same time*, she* was building a case for herself having ADHD. Using my words, my lived experience, my examples.
My story.
( Psychologists describe “narrative theft” as when narcissists adopt someone else’s struggles or language to build their own identity).
She abused my prescriptions for months and months, I knew it was wrong but I didn’t stop her. She was a nicer version of her self having taken it. She said she felt happier. More optimistic. Like she felt it easier to be around me. But mostly she misused it; to stay up late and finish work reports she hadn’t wanted to do in the day- she said.
She used adhd as an excuse for being snappy, ignorant, disrespectful, overly sensitive etc etc.
It was the reason she was behind at work or the reason she was out of her depth in a role her self esteem needed for the job title.
“Family support worker”.
As though that proves she possesses the skills needed to be a parent. Instead, it proves she possess the manipulation skills needed to convince an interview panel she has the skills needed to be a parent, and those needed to Work with vulnerable families who need support.
Remember that Narcissists are experts at invalidating you, right before stealing your story.
They often use disorders like ADHD or BPD as excuses—for selfishness, for neglect, for manipulation.
They echo your pain just enough to make it sound like empathy, but it’s not. It’s theft. It’s a rehearsal.
After my diagnosis – something I funded privately before it was confirmed by the NHS – everything spiralled.
Im still figuring out why.
My life changed—in many ways, most, but not all bad.
Some of the bad are beginning to improve.
The key moments of clarity though, were:
- A quiet, seismic realization that I wasn’t to blame for everything.
- A recognition that I was reasonably clever—just battling ADHD at the same time.
- And most life-shattering of all, for her: I began to see her behavior vividly. I learned to regulate my emotions. I stopped seeking her approval. I stood my ground. I could switch off from her manipulations.
That shift—my ability to detach, to stop performing, stop apologising and begging —was the beginning of something real. Not peace, not resolution. But truth. And truth, when you’ve been gaslit for years, is a kind of freedom. A kind of freedom that is painful. Like being skinned a live. Everything you thought you knew. Removed and replaced with burning emotional pain, gut wrenching Grief and red hot rage.
It gets better.