Well New Year’s Eve is supposed to feel like a reset. Isn’t it? A clean slate? Of sorts? I’d kind of told my self I’d make one last effort. FulFill my obligations. And because of that desire to do the right thing that need deep inside of me to continue playing my part. I found myself with an unexpected Christmas card from my mum — delivered in hand by my grandad when I’d made yet another effort despite spending Christmas alone. And it not been mentioned. Just brushed under the carpet with the fragments of my other emotions and soul. It’s been about a year since I seriously and sincerely told my mum I would call the police if she came near me or my home again.
The timing alone to give me this felt like a test of my boundaries, but the card itself said even more.
The first thing that hit me was the wording:
“I loved you.”
Not I love you.
Not I love you and always will.
But Loved. Past tense. And Twice.
This wasn’t a slip of the pen. It was a statement. A way of placing the responsibility for the distance on me, while quietly withdrawing affection to make a point. It was conditional love, written in black ink.
What She Didn’t Say Was the Real Message
If this had been a genuine attempt at reconnection, it would have included:
- Just a hint of an apology
- any sign of understanding and feeling
- even a hint of accountability or refelection?
None of that was there.
The absence wasn’t accidental. It was deliberate. The card avoided every part of the truth — the reasons for the distance, the harm caused, and the fact that she was the one who pushed me out when I stopped allowing her to control me.
The attempted Guilt Hooks — and the “accidental” Slip‑Ups
There were lines about worrying, thinking about me, missing the animals… but even those didn’t hold up. She listed some of my pets but not all — including Pixie, who she’s known about for years.
That wasn’t forgetfulness. It showed she wasn’t actually thinking about my life or my animals. It was a performance of concern, not real concern.
Performing for an Audience — Inside My Card
One line made the intention unmistakable: she mentioned me and my grandad being on speaking terms.
That wasn’t written for me.
It was written for him.
She was still performing, still trying to prove her worth, still shaping the narrative. Even in my Christmas card, she was managing her image, not repairing our relationship.
She also framed the silence between us as if it were my choice — as if she’s patiently waiting for me to “be ready” to speak again. That’s not true. She knows exactly why the boundary exists. She knows she was the one who threw me out when I stopped letting her control me.
That line wasn’t hopeful. It was manipulative. It rewrote the story to make her the victim and me the problem.
The Card Choice Was a Strategy
For years she made a point of choosing cards with long, emotional verses — “just the right words,” as she always said. This time she chose one with barely anything printed inside.
That wasn’t a coincidence.
It was intentional.
A blank space she could fill with her own narrative, free from any printed words that might contradict the image she wanted to project.
I Didn’t Need to Read It Twice
I didn’t sit and analyse the card. I didn’t pore over it. I didn’t let it take root.
I saw enough in one glance to recognise the patterns I’ve spent a year stepping away from. Revisiting her words isn’t healthy for me, and I’m finally at a place where I can honour that.
What This Card Really Confirmed
This card didn’t open a door.
It confirmed why I closed it.
It showed me:
- the love was conditional
- the narrative was controlled
- the guilt was intentional
- the omissions were revealing
- the performance was ongoing
- the boundary was necessary
Sometimes the clearest truth comes from what someone writes when they think they’re being clever — and from what they leave out when they think you will care.
I shouldn’t have opened it. But i thank you for the embarrassingly clear reminder of the narrative you will always want to control.
And to everyone else – Have a Happy and Healthy New Year. Be you. Do what’s good for you. Keep moving forward. Lots of Love x